


salvation

by blackkikyo



Category: Super Junior
Genre: M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-06
Updated: 2017-03-06
Packaged: 2018-09-29 23:05:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10146713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackkikyo/pseuds/blackkikyo
Summary: Donghae just wants to feel something. He hides it from Eunhyuk, but Kibum suspects.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I know that this short story doesn't bring up many of the complex feelings and psychological issues associated with self-harming, and also that it is very rarely solved as easily as it is here. This was all just a thing I did to put down my own thoughts on it in text. Please, if you are dealing with issues of self-harm, reach out to someone for help.

****

A flash of metal. Pain. Blood. Tears. Burning.

Then came the relief. A slow throbbing that calmed him down.

It gave his mind some rest, made him feel something. Like a normal human being. Like he used to be.

He smiled weakly at the memories of his old self. He wished he could go back.

 

 

The crowd roared as the last tone of the song died out. People were shouting in microphones as they ran around, sweat dripping off every part of their bodies. They all formed a line on the centre of the stage and he looked down at the people looking up at all the members with smiles and tear tracks. He formed a smile; one that had become perfect with practice. It was not real, because it had been a long time since he could smile genuinely.

He noticed the exhaustion slowly taking over his body and he just wanted to finish this so that he can get away. He wanted to be alone. He wanted to take off the fake mask he was wearing, the one that he hated so much but couldn’t live without. It was tiring, even more than the hours he had been on stage.

As soon as they get off the stage he hurried to the nearest bathroom, uttering a few phrases to the staff that he met on his way. His smile was still in place, but it was fading with every step he took. It disappeared completely when his sanctuary was only a few metres away and he dashed into the small space and slammed the white door behind him. He sank to the floor and gripped his head desperately, shutting out the sounds from the people outside. He was alone, finally.

Tears ran down his face as he reached into his pocket, realizing that his salvation was not there. It was still in the cupboard at the dorm.

 

 

Eunhyuk looked at his feet, instead of looking at him when it was time to say goodbye. His heart ached when watching the other’s slouched shoulders, but he knew why he was like that; the elder always hated farewells, even if they were only going to be apart for a little while.

“So… I guess I’ll see you soon?” Eunhyuk said in a small voice.

He nodded, but smacked himself mentally because Eunhyuk couldn’t see it. With a smile plastered onto his face he spoke up. “Yep! We’ll only be gone for a week to be on some shows and then we’ll be back. And I’ll kick your ass on Street Fighter then.” He hugged the other man. “You can play with Sungmin hyung or Shindong hyung when I’m gone. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.” Eunhyuk nodded and gripped his shirt, hugging him tighter. He looked up and saw Kibum watching him.

Kibum was the only one that suspected.

 

 

_“Kibum ah, where did you get that scar?”_

_Kibum looks up from the book he’s reading and eyes the scar in question. It is a straight, white line near his left wrist. Kibum smiles weakly when seeing it. “It’s a memory from when I was in the States.” He lifts his arm up and examines it. “The rest have faded away. It’s pretty funny, hyung, how the last one made is the only one to remain.” Kibum looks up at his hyung with shining eyes._

_“Why did you do it?” he asks with worry. That glow in Kibum’s eyes scares him slightly; he thinks he can understand it._

_“It was a great way to relieve pressure and it was the only thing I could do so that I wouldn’t break down.” Kibum’s voice had a slightly edge to it, as to tell his hyung not to lecture him. Kibum was well aware of what he had done and he did not regret it._

_That night was the first time he tried it himself._

 

 

The times in China were the toughest because he had to work extra hard not to let anyone know. People notice the little things easier when you’re in a smaller group. He had to make sure that Hankyung, who took over the roll as the leader when in China, never noticed anything. The man had been around Heechul long enough to have learned how to be aware of people’s actions. So he tried his best to be around Henry a lot, hugging and playing with him like he had done at home with Eunhyuk. But no one ever saw the self-hatred in his eyes; he felt like he was dirtying Henry when touching him.

 

 

The water rained down onto his body, soothing his aching muscles. It drowned out the shouts from the members in the living room as it drummed against his skin and the floor. The sound of the door opening and clothes being discarded onto the floor went unheard as he poured shampoo into his hair, the foam running into the newly made scars on his legs. He hissed as pain shot through his body.

Warm arms wrapped around his torso and he froze. The embrace was familiar and that made him even more scared. Before Eunhyuk even had the time to speak, he turned around and shoved the other man away.

“GET THE FUCK OUT!” he yelled. He was afraid; the fear of Eunhyuk finding out his secret was overpowering the fear of hurting him.

“But-”, Eunhyuk said as he tried to get closer to him again but was once again pushed away. The younger grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his waist, not even giving Eunhyuk as much as a glance as he ran out from the bathroom and into his bedroom. He locked the door and sank to the floor, the towel sliding up to reveal his scars that glowed red in the dim light. There was banging on the door, but the sound never really registered in his mind.

The scars seemed to mock him as he looked down with blank eyes. Tears would not come; he had run out of them.

He laughed.

 

 

“Hyung!”

He woke up by the familiar voice. Gazing at the door with bleary eyes, he noticed Kibum standing in the doorway. Hadn’t he locked the door before going to bed?

“Kibum ah? What’s wrong?” he asked in a hoarse voice. The younger one stepped into the room and stopped by the bed. He did not speak for a while, but just studied his hyung for a minute. Then, he suddenly ripped the comforter off from the bed.

His eyes widened as Kibum uncovered him and he hastily reached down to cover his privates; he hadn’t bothered with putting on his pyjamas the night before. But he wasn’t fast enough to hide his scars on his legs from the younger. Kibum sighed and put back the comforter over his hyung’s naked body before sitting down onto the bed. Neither of them spoke for a while.

“Why are you doing this to yourself, hyung?” Kibum asked in a faint voice. When he didn’t receive an answer he sighed again and stood up. “All of the others are out. You should think about what to tell Eunhyuk hyung, because he’s devastated. He thinks you hate him now, but he doesn’t know for what reason.” With that, the younger left the room.

 

 

He found Eunhyuk lying in his bed, staring at the wall. He made his way over and crawled into the bed behind the other man. The elder jumped slightly as their bodies made contact but before he could do or say anything, the other grabbed his hand and lead it to his thigh. Eunhyuk could feel bumps on the other’s skin and his eyes widened.

“D-donghae ah? Are those… s-scars?” His voice cracked lightly as he spoke; he knew the answer without Donghae telling him.

They stayed like that for what seemed like an eternity to Donghae, until Eunhyuk turned around. Staring into each other’s eyes, Eunhyuk finally saw the pain and the sadness that Donghae had hid from him for such a long time.

“Why did you do it?” It was only a soft whisper, but Donghae heard it clearly.

“I just couldn’t take it; I was so tired of it all. All the expectations, the stress and the exhaustion. You’re not allowed to be weak or to break down – it doesn’t go with the idol image. And I hated myself for not being able to be strong.” Tears ran down his cheeks as he spoke. Soft fingers touched his face and wiped away the wetness.

“It’s okay, Donghae ah. You’re allowed to be weak when you’re with me.”

Donghae closed his eyes. Inside of him, he could feel the mask break into pieces.

 

 

The piece of metal glimmered from where it was lying. Donghae stared at its beauty, mesmerized. The temptation of pulling it out and using it was great, almost overwhelming. But he slowly closed the cupboard and looked into the mirror. He saw Kibum staring at him from the doorway.

“It gets easier with time, hyung. It’s going to be pure hell in the beginning, but the longing will eventually fade and soon it’s just going to be the memory of the feeling left.”

“What made you stop, Kibum ah?” Donghae asked the younger.

Kibum offered Donghae a small smile before he turned away and started leaving. “Six pairs of idiots, hyung.”

Donghae smiled.

 

 

 


End file.
